Clinophobia - fear of going to bed.
However, throughout the last 10 or 15 years (maybe more?), I have intermittently suffered from an intense fear of going to bed at night. Being on or in bed during the day time isn't an issue; night time itself is not a problem; and I'm not scared of the dark. I'm scared of going to bed at night time and having to sleep.
|I'm not thinking about you I'm not thinking about you I'm not thinking about you|
|I know how he feels.|
|I am that person with loads of pillows - one for my knees, one for my ankles, one for my shoulders, two or three to prop my head up, a couple for my feet, etc...|
|Take that, emetophobia!|
So, if I can live with it, why am I still scared of it come night time?
I think it's just the fact that at night time other people are asleep and you're not meant to bother them if you feel rubbish. Night time can feel very long. I know that if I try to stay up to delay the inevitable, I just end up feeling even worse, because delaying my evening pills and being too tired are both things which make me feel really sick. I think I dislike the way that I am being pulled in all directions by body and mind. I dislike the way that everything is a compromise - from when I go to bed and what I eat beforehand to what position I try and sleep in. Every morning I rejoice in the new day because although days are hard and getting up is nigh-on impossible, nights are so much harder.
The problem is that there is still a lot of inbuilt fear and I still find it difficult to overcome that sometimes. When I've had an especially bad day, or when the night before was especially bad, I'm correspondingly more afraid the next night. I have to use all my CBT powers to keep myself as calm as possible so as not to create problems merely out of anxiety.
As well as the weapons mentioned just above, I have one talisman. It got me through those six months of sickness, where I went from terrified to resigned. It gets me through all the worst moments of whatever I'm doing - be it a difficult night or troubling hospital visits, or just a traffic jam or an hour-long erg! It helps me because I know, from experience, that it is true, even though sometimes my head wants to make me think otherwise. It is a double-edged sword, as you shall see, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, and in times of trouble, it's the best. It comes in the form of a story...
King Solomon's Parable (possibly not actually anything to do with Solomon, but we'll ignore that for now!)
King Solomon was the wisest, wealthiest, and most powerful King the land had ever seen. One day, he decided to teach his advisor, Benaihah, a lesson in humility. He set him the task of finding a magic ring - a ring which would make the happiest man in the world sad, and the saddest man happy. Solomon did not believe that such a task were possible, but Benaihah left the palace and went in search of this ring. He searched for many months before finding an old man in a market place. He described the ring that Solomon wanted, and asked the man if he had ever seen or heard of such an item. In answer, the man reached into his pocket and extracted a gold ring. Without saying anything, he began to engrave words into the outside of the ring. When he had finished, he handed it to Benaihah. Behnaihah had been worried throughout all the months that he had searched for the ring - he feared that Solomon no longer trusted him, and he feared that this testing time would never come to an end. However, as he read what the man had engraved into the ring, a smile broke on his face. Thanking the man, he hurried back to the palace as soon as he could, and burst into the court were Solomon was standing. Upon seeing Benaihah, Solomon smiled a welcome, asking if he had found the magic ring. Benaihah handed the ring to Solomon, who turned it over in his hands and read the engraving. In that instance, his smile vanished, and he looked troubled. Then he looked at Benaihah, and said, 'I was wrong to doubt you. Come back and live in the palace again. What I have here is fleeting, and I will not send you away again.'
|Cos this is totally what someone living in Israel in the 10th century BC looked like.|
But...I'm still scared.